I finally know what to do...

All these years I've been amazingly confused.
In every endeavor I'd always scrutinize myself.
Cruelty is much of an understatement.

These past few days I've been thinking about Tim and what my stand is concerning him, us.
I've come to realize that maybe I'm not ready for a relationship.
As I look back to what we've had, or lack there of, It was all ruined or hindered by my doubt and my insecurities; or that's what i think.
I made him suffer for my low self-esteem.
In actuality, I'm like this in everything I do, not only when it concerns Tim.
I've missed opportunities and skipped on dreams because of my doubts and my insecurities.
So I've come to realize what I need to do in my life.
It all makes sense to me now.

I need to find myself.

I need a soul search. I need to love myself first before anything.
They always say you can't give what you don't have.
These statements are very much used and abused,
but the thing with words, I think, their importance and relevance in someones life comes and ages with you. Their meaning finds you at a time you really need it.
I've heard these things a thousand times but Its only now I've come to realize how much this statement fits me to a tee.

I need to start taking care of myself. To do the best in every endeavor.

I need to find myself before I can let someone in my life.

I just need to be satisfied and content with myself before anything.
After realizing this I feel bad for Tim for leading him in a wild, cryptic goose chase. Unfortunately for him, he was the first; he was the guinea pig. I'm sorry.

But I can't believe I know what to do.
It will be difficult, no doubt.

After all, knowing is half the battle.

in video

I'm planning to do a private vlog one day. Not for anyone. Just me.
There are things I want to say without having to filter it like I do in writing.
There are frustrations and dreams I'd like to reiterate which writing can't seem to do justice to; or maybe its just because I'm not that good of a writer.
And maybe one day I'll show it to someone...
Someone who I want to show the real me to.
I'm not very expressive or talkative like my sister.
Its quite hard not to be. I feel no one really gets me.
That I'm very misunderstood.
Ah yes, I am true scorpio indeed.

rush

Elusive as time can be
minutes passing
seconds fleeting
we walk in fast paces
ignoring

slipping grasps
and short glances
we miss the world
apathetic

Just to put it on paper...

Or the exact opposite that is.
I plan on joining the benildean core on my 4th year.
I think I'd do well in that org.

For the past few days...

I've felt ugly.
I blame it on an excessive amount of acne and scars,
my diminishing chest and gargantuan amount of oil,
and my lack of strength and tenacity.

paper trails in word vomit

I haven't done this in awhile. This'll be short. I think.

...



I think I want blue/turquoise hair now, like garovs.




I think I'll have a shaved do to go along with my blue/turquoise hair.




My mom will kill me haha




I need to start working out again. I feel the effects of gravity on my glutious maximus.




I miss dance.




Must check out Perry Sevidal as soon as I pay mom the P1200 I owe her.




I believe in investing in one's self.




I'm starting a new series again. Haven't done one in awhile. The title of it, I'm not quite sure yet; but I'm leaning towards whispers and sweet somethings.




I want to start reconstructing my closet to my style. Slowly but surely.




I need new/want pants. As well as lovely cargo's.




I hope I do ok this 2nd term. I'm not stressed but with the work load I know I should be. I'm not exactly sure if that's a good thing.




Tim, once again comes back in and confuses me even more.




Had a great time last Friday. Attended my first meiday and saw a couple of bands I haven't seen live. Had a great time with three friends: Bren, Bogs and Bessie. Though a lot didn't show up, I made new friends yay!




Tan's coming home next weekend :>




I want the A cups I acquired for a short time back.




I need new bras. Ones that fit please.




I want to learn the harmonica and the yukelele. Inspired by Mick Jagger, Nowhere boy and Soul Surfer.




Speaking of Soul Surfer, now I want to surf :D




I want to watch Jason Mraz's concert on the 30th!




I want to watch STOMP as well.




I want to educate myself in films. I should be put to shame with all the movies I haven't watched. All the classics.




Also in music.




But I need help in that :P




I want to get my glasses graded once and for all.




A part of my birthday list: an external hard drive/a usb with big memory, more maxi skirts :>




I need to start saving.




I want to thrift again hihi




I got a small gig by Esme, some blogger who goes to my school. I need to do this. She's all out there and stuff, and if I do well It could do me some good with exposure.




I need to sleep earlier and eat more :D




I want to take photos.




....



That'll be it for now. Tired of pressing the spacebar too much :P

equipoise?

I feel like crying/I don't feel like crying

I wonder

will there ever be someone who will be able to crack me open?

Why

I wish my mind had some definite closure when it comes to you.
I wish it had an off button
for I hate
guessing
imagining
waiting
wondering
when it comes to this.

I know I did you wrong by making you wait
by making you hope;
all, of course, was unintentional.
I was clouded by self-confusion, too hung, too self-absorbed to notice you waiting.
I liked you too late.
Open to vulnerability at the last minute...
a minute too late.

I just wish my mind would put you to rest;
wishing that yours too did as well.

I have to admit
I wish we were just friends
that I never knew you liked me
and that you never liked me
not in that sense.

I changed when I found out.
I panicked
thinking that someone could actually like me.
Can you blame me? It's the naivety in me.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

Innocence is underrated

They say that as a child having innocence is inevitable. It is something we all grow through; and at times, stick with.

Innocence is often associated with purity and the good, and often times with naivety and stupidity; and anything contradicting is thus evil and adulterated, and sometimes, mature.

Innocence is many things. Some may think it to be a hindrance and a fallacy, and I don’t blame them for thinking such a thought; there is naivety involved in most occasions of innocence.

But I can’t help but fawn over past experiences, or in this case, inexperiences.

There are just days I wish I didn’t know the things I knew; to be innocent from knowledge, from exposure to it. But of course, as a part of the developing race, I take it back a few thought bubbles after.

I do believe innocence is underrated. It is something that touches us all, even past childhood. It is with us when we are faced with the unknown, it is with us in times of fear and emotional trials. Is not raw emotion in itself pure and innocent?

We undermine innocence in hopes of looking older, sounding more mature thus expecting acceptance into adulthood. We push it back and cage it to an era, to an age. We think highly of ourselves when we succeed. This is where our fault lay.

We associate it only with youth, with the bearings of our childhood. It is wrong to equalize it with such. Innocence is not a shirt we outgrow. It stays with us ‘til the end; its just pushed aside as the time goes on.

Innocence is with us. It is only consciously ignored.