clarity

I was never really sure how you felt, until now.
I was never sure if I was the only one who noticed you disappeared. It looks like you did too.
Now we're friends, and you know it too.

Finally.
Clarity.

T:

are you angry with me?

A:

well no

not angry

why would you think that?

T:

I don't know

Guess its because I'd really like to catch up but you seem so indifferent now

A:

yeah...

indifferent would be the word

I just wanted some sense of clarity

I guess?

haha

T:

Now that I think about it I think I'd have preferred angry

A:

haha

yeah

I don't really get angry

haha

so yeah

sorry if things just trailed off

T:

Sorry for freaking out

A:

its within reason I guess?

T:

Nope that was very stupid of me

A:

freaking out how?

T:

Um, disappearing completely?

A:

ah

yeah

can't deny that that contributed to indifference

T:

But it was dumb, the way I reacted

A:

it happens

T:

Well, I really cared about you I hope you knew that

Still do actually

A:

well I do too

It's just that

I don't feel the same way as I did before

when left alone with, things wane you know?

I liked you a lot

I hope you knew that

T:

I just want things to be ok between us

I mean, don't you just dislike irresolution

A:

yeah  that's why I linked you to that page haha

I couldn't not talk to you

I'm just not one to keep a grudge

that was my way of not eluding you

sort of

haha

T:

Ugh am i that irresistible? Sorry bout that

Hahajk

A:

haha

oh the confidence!

T:

Sorry that was rude :c ok levity aside

A:

no it wasn't

it broke any stiffness in the conversation

so I just want to clear things out

we're just friends right?

T:

Feeble attempt to woo~ you

A:

haha

weeelll

 whatever happens happens

haha

T:

Well what?

A:

whatever happens happens

It's just that

for now

I just wanna be friends

T:

Me too

A:

:D

T:

Well

I think I've waited out the traffic long enough

So I'm gonna jet

Talk to you soon?

A:

sure

where are you?

T:

____, tha land or ridiculous traffic

A:

aah

well take care going home

T:

Bye Anna

A:

bye Tim 

Carmen

I won't shroud this post in mystery and decorate it with symbolism.

If there's one person who is relatively close in proximity (by this of course I mean someone who isn't a celebrity) whose life I want, it would have to be one of my good friend's sister, Carmen. I don't have much to quantify with except for pictures, but I've always envied her. Her looks, her lifestyle, her connections, her creativity, her drive, her passion, everything? I find her amazingly beautiful in a relaxed, real, 'I don't try' kind of way. She has an amazing smile, lovely hair, rockin' body, nice color, she also has great, effortless style; all of which I wish I had. But beyond the physical aesthetics is everything else. She's active, does a lot of sports and she travels a lot, she goes diving, takes documentaries, does creative projects, gets to meet a ton of new people, she hikes, she takes photos, did I mention she travels a lot? She does all this while looking amazingly great. She's really nice and she's got a great personality to boot. 

I wish  was her or that I could become like her. She is living the life I wish I had. She's a free spirit, a creative and a wanderer. 

I wish I was her.

Let's talk about sex

In general I am an open minded person. Very, I'd like to think. I wasn't before, but I do know my being open minded today has been the result of a lot of things. Not only do I think of myself as being an open-minded person but I also think that I am a curious person. I like learning new things, and if I'm interested in something I will research about it. Another thing about me is that I have low self-esteem and I get envious easily (mostly when it comes to physical aspects of a person).

These three traits of mine may seem random but they all are tied together by one thing: sex. It isn't what you think it is really. It's either about it or, more likely, misunderstood as such.

So to be exact I'm not merely talking about intercourse. I'm also talking about sexuality, as well as the male and female forms.

So just for the sake of organization and sanity I shall break these down, for if I don't I will ramble and confuse and make a mess of things.

I. Sexuality, mine to be exact

I've always been an open minded person. It takes a lot to tick me off or at least specific things. But that is besides the point. For as far back as I could remember I've never objectified with the idea of being with a girl; it actually intrigued me. As a girl who has lived most of her life in her head, observing and generating thoughts, I would dissect things and question the norms and the stereotypes. Included in this of course is the idea of man being with woman and vice versa, and nothing else. With the rise of gay pride and the question on what is right and what is wrong, my thoughts go into ellipsis.

An 'event' that may or may not have influenced my thoughts on sexuality would have to be the coming out of my sister. I was shocked, yes, but never appalled. Just curious. I remember so vividly in my head the first thought that managed to break through the surprise: Is she any different? Does this fact make her a different person? Different from the person before I knew? So in the following days I observed, I looked, I studied her. I was left to my thoughts and I watched her. I watched if this fact made a difference to her personality, to anything. And it didn't. The only thing that probably changed was that some things made sense now that I knew. But nothing changed. All that really changed is my state of 'knowing.' She was always there and she was always herself. Nothing changed. Certainly not the idea that she was gay. And I realized that neither should our relationship. It got me into thinking about all this controversy against gay people. At the end of the day, they are people and that's all that matters to me.

I'm not sure if this directly influences my sexuality and my ideas on men and women, but it probably does help.

Another thing is that, in terms of looking at people at a 'relationship-potential-point-of-view' I've grown to realize that personality made a bigger impact on me than looks. Looks was never really a priority. But of course I do believe the physical is definitely embedded in whatever we do. I've looked more at appeal and humor, intelligence, wit, and again, at personality. Which I guess explains the idea that in terms of the looks and the sex of a person, It seems slightly irrelevant to me to base something as deep as a relationship to that.

So what am I exactly? I'm not entirely sure, but I think the closest thing to what I think I am at the moment is bi-sexual. If that does not apply to me then I am merely open-minded :)


II. Women, breasts, butts, faces, abs, backs, legs. I could go on really

One thing that pretty much either goes for or against my proclamation of my open-mindedness is my fascination of looking at women (mostly pictures).

I like looking at boobs, at butts, at abs, at backs, at faces, at legs and the list goes on. Just to clear things up, when I look at these things I never look at it with lust. As a girl who has proclaimed that she thinks more than she should and creates layers of ideas and musings, you can't really think that it's as simple as that do you? It would be easier to say that I want to tap that and yada yada yada. But I don't. I look at these bodies with wonder, with curiosity. At first it was on an artistic level, and it usually still is. I look at a body as if it were a work of art, how the curves of a woman's back is simply astounding, like endless landscapes, how the bottom of her breast corners abruptly to her ribcage. Stuff like that. It couldn't escape me how each and every form was a piece of art. Another thing, another reason why I look at these women so often, and the more likely of the two is that I envy them. So much. As I have said in the previous statements, I am profusely conscious of my physical self. I have low self-esteem.

I could probably root it back to high school. Before my freshman year I was a girl who didn't care about much. I was free of petty thoughts, or filled with it, I'm not quite sure. But I didn't care. I didn't care that my hair wasn't neat, I didn't care what I looked like  wearing baggy pants and sneakers. I didn't care. Until I noticed a disconnect with my friends. In our breaks, as we would gather to eat our lunch we would talk about stuff. That stuff soon occupied boys and parties, both of which I didn't care much about, until then. It came to a point that at every lunch time that was all they could ever talk about: parties, boys, how boys would have crushes on them, on rumors that boys had crushes on them, etc. And I felt left out. But most especially I felt confused. Very. Why wasn't I like them? Why don't I have the urge to impress guys with my 'womanly' charms? Why don't guys have crushes on me? Why would I rather stay at home than go to a party? I started feeling very much like an outcast; that I was strange, a weirdo. It was only later did I realize being 'strange,' being different isn't so bad. But at that time I thought it was. And the thinker that I am I buried myself in thoughts, in self-deprecating insults. I went into a depression because I was different and I didn't know why; because I was weird and I didn't know why; because everyone was doing this and I wasn't. I was so depressed. I'd cry every night, cry myself to sleep. I tried succumbing to invisible peer pressures and I finally went to my first party. I was wearing baggy pants and spaghetti straps on top of a white shirt. My mom drove me to the party. As we slowly drove by to see where she could drop me, countless of girls went by. They were all in heels, shorts skirts or dresses, all made up and dressed up. I felt so weird. I started to think 'Why am I not like this?' 'I'm not interested in wearing such things and acting in such a way but since every girl I see is like this, what does that say about me?', 'What am I?', 'Why am I different?' All these questions ate me up inside. I felt so different, such an outcast. I didn't dress like everyone else, I didn't think like everyone else. So what did I do? I tried to fit in. I did my best to go with my friends to open parties and dress 'normally.' Of course I couldn't go that far into the whole dressing up thing; my personality gave way to only so much. i would wear thick strapped tank tops and knee length skirts with sneakers. I tried haha. I  also started getting caught up with how I looked. I started to scrutinize and butcher myself for every pimple, for my 'fat' calves, my ugly face, everything. It was such a bad time. I also noticed that though I've been going out more, meeting new guys, no one would take a look. There were no rumors of guys having crushes on me. More on my friends who were all pretty and interesting. Again that hurtled me into depression. I nitpicked on every flaw. 'Why don't they like me?', 'Doesn't any body think I'm pretty?' my self-esteem was then anchored on boys (one of the stupidest things I have ever done in my entire life). But then something clicked in my head. I decided one day not to expect. When I see a boy I won't question why he doesn't look at me or why he doesn't think I'm pretty. I just decided not to expect because I knew that I'll only get hurt in the end. Almost instantly at every boy I looked I put myself down before I would run away with feelings; before It was too late; before any chance of feeling worse I put down all expectations. Every guy was just a friend. I would think a little, wonder if this boy found me pretty, but escape the idea and say 'nah.' It made my life so much easier. Less painful. But this whole experience still left in me a certain sense of that confusion that started it all. Its very subtle though, and would often come out as jealousy and envy. I would look at these 'perfect' women and wonder why I'm not like that. Why don't I have breasts? Why don't I have a perky butt? Why don't I have some meat on my bones? Why? Why? Why? The great thing is that I don't anchor all these on boys anymore. The bad thing is that I anchored it on a much harder 'enemy' myself.

So I look at these women not because of lust, but because I envy them. Because I wish I were them.


III. Sex

I think I am a sexual person. Not overtly though. Nor not in the usual 'sexual' person way. Ok so maybe I'm not entirely sure if I am a sexual person but I do think about it a lot. Sadly. I am a scorpio, I seem to be living up to it's reputation.

It pretty much started with the internet. I happen to chance on this porn site and it got me curious. So I looked for more and watched. And it might be odd to say but when I watched this I had nothing in my mind. I was curious and I watched. But I didn't really feel much, or maybe I did but I didn't know that was a direct reaction to it. Of course as I was watching these I got curious about sex and I would research on definitions and stuff like that (how geeky am I? Researching on definitions rather than watch the porn for 'definitions'). Basically I got informed. Of course as I would research about it I came across a lot of women and their encounters with 'self-exploration' and how some of them would say that they started exploring themselves since they were like 5 or 6 years old. I was slightly shocked by this. Even more that there were a lot of women who had the same experience. So naturally, I was curious. So one day I tried to self-explore. Nothing happened. It was very strange and I was all like what the hell was that supposed to do? Do people actually like doing this? But seeing and knowing the reactions that these self-explorations would get I was determined to feel what these women felt. So I tried again. And again. The first lot was freaking strange and awkward. It was much like dry humping a wall. Not that I know how that feels like but i think it could feel much like that :| I don't know when the exact moment was when I felt something but I did. And I was so amused by it and all the other effects that would come out that I continued doing it. To the point that I couldn't not do it and that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop thinking about sex. The idea that someone could actually like me (my thoughts on 'like' though were very much skewed). I hated it. It was the first thing I could liken to a vice. So I forced myself to stop. I tried to stop looking at porn or any semblance of it too much and I tried to stop these excursions of self-explorations from happening too much. And I must say I've pretty much accomplished the task. I rarely do both, though at some moments I would escape my self-imposed 'dry period', but overall I'm glad that I was able to keep it at bay. I don't think of sex as much as I did, which I'm extremely happy about. I guess it all comes with the package of new discoveries: at first you're all over it and can't stop thinking about it and 'researching' on it, but as time goes by and reality kicks in and you realize that this new discovery isn't the center of your universe, and that it shouldn't be.

But yeah. I do think I am a Scorpio in that sense but I'm trying my best not to let it define me. Being sexual was never in my personality. It wasn't in high school and it still isn't in college. I don't think I'm a sexual person but I do think I can be.


_____________________________


This is probably one of the most open and blunt posts I have ever done. I'm not one to reveal so much in a manner that is short of a labyrinth; both in writing and in real life. I was surprised that in some moments in writing this I was brought to tears, especially the one about my high school experience, the darkest time in my life, the psychological clincher, the one that started it all. I'm glad though. I've never put it out there so completely. It was always left inside that drawer in my head. As I've always said before, I've lived in my head more than out; always a thinker, an observer. But obviously the closet in my head is bursting at the seams. It's holding too much and I need to let a few things out.