Sunday, July 06, 2014

PROJECT GAIN

July 6, 2014
Sunday

CURRENT WEIGHT:
98lbs.

GOAL:
115lbs. by December 2014



Hello 90's

On our possibly faulty weighing scale, I discovered that I am now below 100lbs. Why, hello 90's.

Labels: , ,

Friday, July 04, 2014

It's been awhile...


So, going through my list of posts, this one was something I wasn't able to publish. It would be an injustice to my past self to not give this post the light of the day it deserves. I'm not entirely sure if I finished this post. I don't really remember anymore. I'm not sure when I started writing this but I figured this was written late last year; my last term.

So, here it is. My past self making an appearance in the present.

_____________________________________________


I'm not exactly sure how I feel being back here again.

Writing is a muscle I've always had a hankering to 'buff up' so any opportunity to do so is a good thing. On the other hand, this blog has developed a rather depressing tone over the years. I only seem to write in it when I am in some depressing state. Sadly, I'm writing today only to reinforce that miserable truth.

Though this blog has been relieved of my sad, pathetic woes for around 4-5 months it doesn't necessarily mean I was. A lot of things has happened to me since my last post, and yes, by 'things' I mean the ones shadowed by clouds and surrounded by dead plants and 81 black cats. Exaggeration? Maybe. But sadness can never really be exaggerated when you're in it. When you feel an exorbitant amount of bad energy you don't really bother to do the measurements.

So now I shall take the task of giving a flashback head on. I don't know if I should be happy that my sorrow is what fuels my writing prowess but whatever floats my boat I guess. Anyway, as I was saying.

Let's start from the beginning shall we? Or in this case the semi-recent past.

I am Anna dela Rama taking up AB Multimedia Arts and I am a senior senior. Basically what that means is that I am in my 5th year of college. Why the stretch?

Well, two terms ago I took PROJ1. PROJ1 is basically phase one of production for my thesis. Long story short my product wasn't enough to get me endorsed for defense thus meriting an R. Since PROJ1 is a prerequisite to PROJ2, which you cannot take together in one term, that instantly adds 2 terms on my ledger. Not good.

I may have not mentioned this before in this here blog but I was also under scholarship. My scholarship, when tailored to my course, pretty much goes for three years and two terms with an allowable one term extension. The term I took my PROJ1 was the term I was expected to graduate. When I was in third year I already planned out on taking that extension, what I didn't plan was failing my thesis. Failing my thesis means that I will have a term that won't be under the good graces of my scholarship. Not good.

So of course since I failed PROJ1 necessary adjustments had to be made. I had to adjust my schedule for the next term since I had previously enlisted for PROJ2 having expected to pass. Long story short they ran out of slots. Which means I couldn't take PROJ1 the next term and I would have to bump the subject up to the term after the next. Not good.

I ended up taking three subjects last term: BWPHOTO, ORDEV-C and PORTFOL. Black and white photo was great even if it was at 8 in the morning. I was able to take photos with black and white film, which was just divine, and I was able to learn how to develop film in the darkroom, which is just dandy! Plus it was the type of class that didn't take too much effort outside of class. I mean the topic in itself is more like a fun activity than a boring old classroom topic.

Ordev-C was also a class that didn't take too much to tender. Basically it's a "class" that required you to go to a certain number of seminars regarding work and business and the so called realities of the real world (was that too redundant?). Anyway you pretty much had to attend then make some reflection papers about it. Pretty easy right? I shall rebut that when the time is right.

Anyway, though I didn't get a slot for my PROJ1 for this term, which should be a downer, it was actually a blessing ini disguise. Now comes PORTFOL. PORTFOL is basically my portfolio class and what you do there, basically, is make your portfolio, create your business card, fix your resume and, drum roll please, make an exhibit with your class. Sounds easy when you put it down into four commas. So in class we made our portfolios and showed it to our professor. After having done our portfolios comes the brainstorming of our class exhibit. Sir decided to make me the creative leader. Though I was extremely flattered and honored I was also dreading it. Immensely. Not only that, being the creative leader of my class I was also placed in the creative team of the whole batch exhibit. Which was a big thing. I ended up making the concept for the Multimedia Arts Festival poster, which I'm quite proud of and a bunch of other stuff.
Since I don't really want to go through the ordeal of going back into every detail  the process, I'll just go and add those 'long story short' phrases to spruce things up.

So.

Long story short, this term ended up being the most stressful term I've ever had in  CSB. And I've had a lot, believe me. But as much as it was stressful it was fun. I made new friends (this being my class), had a new crush (which of course I will never be in the same league of buuut isn't life of a loser introvert always like that anyway? hahaha hmmm...), spent time with my awesome bros, cried a lot, stressed a lot, didn't sleep a lot, lost a lot of weight (not good by the way), learned a lot of stuff, ate in new places and basically, had a really good experience. Very good.

What's not good though? I failed my ORDEV-C class. How in the world you ask would I fail probably one of the easiest classes that could ever fall on my lap? Well I was very, very preoccupied with my PORTFOL class that I was not able to give my reaction papers on time. My very anal professor did not accept it even if I attended all the required seminars and made all the reaction papers. And he said my reaction papers were too short thus meriting me a grade less than passing. As much as I would like to give the sensors a run for their money I would just like to say to my teacher, I don't like you. I don't.




Labels: , ,

Broken

I am broken
fragile and cracked
incomplete and missing

I am broken
jaded and distressed
lost and in tears

I am broken
shattered and hopeless
alive and hollow

I am broken
and I don't know what to do

Labels:

Quiet

I seem to have fallen back. I seem to have slipped. I am depressed once again. Hence this post. It seems that I only write here when I am in emotional turmoil.

These past few weeks, this month, has been hard. But I have decided to hide it. Hide everything.
I always did have this secret desire to be an actress. Now's the time.

My cause of sadness is pathetic and not worth other people's worry. It is an unnecessary burden for others to know.

I will hide it all. I will be quiet and I will smile.

Fake it 'til you make it right?

Labels: ,

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Not again

I need a distraction from myself, from my insecurities, from my doubts. It's devouring me again. I don't want to go back there. I need to find a distraction.

I look at myself and I see nothing. My dreams seem to slip past me and it's all because I stop myself from feeling I deserve them. I can't seem to move.

I just need to jump.
I need a distraction.
I need it now.

Labels:

Saturday, March 22, 2014

It's about time I fix things

I've never regarded myself as someone who was beautiful. I don't think I have a pretty face and I know I don't have a great body. I'm not sexy at all. The word can only be used in the same sentence as me only if it were to express the non-existent connection between the two. I am not proportioned, lanky as fuck, reduced to skeletal proportions, lackluster, weak, smelly, pimply, cratered and so on and so forth. I can't talk for shit, I'm not interesting and I'm a self-loathing good for nothing. I am also definitely not afraid to talk shit about myself. It comes with the low self-esteem territory.

I'm not exactly happy at where I am now when it comes to personal growth, but I want to work on that. I wanna be someone I want to admire. I wanna be fit, I want to be healthy, I want to be adventurous, I want to travel, I want to be a free spirit, I want to be confident, I want to dance, I want to sing, I want to be proud of my body, I want to be proud of my craft, I want to rid myself of envy and of conscious thinking, I don't second-guess myself anymore and feel as if I'm not worth it. I want to be fearless, I want to be strong, candid, restless and happy. I want to be brave enough to go for the things I want. I just want to be the girl I dream myself to be. I want to be able to look at the mirror and regard myself as beautiful even if the rest of the world doesn't. I know I can be a free spirit if I allow myself to be; if I will it.

I just have to do it. I just have to surge through. I know I'll never measure up to the physical standards of beauty that the media has laid out for me, nor will I ever exactly be the women I look up to. All I can truly do is try to be the best I can be. I can't measure myself to the standards of others because they just don't fit.

As my sister once told me, set yourself against your greatest potential.
And that's what i'll be damn doing from now on.

 I will be worth my own praise one day. I will.

Labels:

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Just one of those days.

There are just days where you feel more alone than usual.
Days where you notice everything you don't have
and everything that everyone else has.
You notice the flaws and the shortcomings, the weird and the awkward,
and all the things you wish you didn't see in yourself.
There are days where comparisons become as normal as breathing.
Days that mimic high school.
Not very ideal, I say.
It's days like these where you beg to question what's wrong with you and why you're so weird, why no one will take interest and why you push everyone away when someone actually is.
Questions that skate on thin ice and skim on the petty and superficial.
Days where you wish someone loved you and you loved them back.
Days where you know you're alone and you are nothing.

They make me cry, days like these.


Labels:

Monday, November 18, 2013

hello again

I never thought I'd write in this blog after 4 months of empty posts. I've written in this blog religiously since 2005. It's weird coming back, knowing that I haven't had the urge to write and vent my feelings and thoughts into this. I guess it shows how much I've changed; but then again here I am, writing. 

All I really came here to say is this: I WILL BE GREAT.


Labels: ,

Monday, July 01, 2013

I'm 21 and I am certain

I am a loser.

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

I really do.

I wish I wasn't such a disappointment.

Labels: ,

I really do.

I wish I was better.

Labels: , , , ,

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

2013


So it’s 2013. Things are gonna change big time. 
I’ll start the year right. Later tonight I’ll start running. Hopefully in the coming days/weeks I’ll be able to switch the time to the morning.
I want to start taking more risks and getting out of my head. Do the things I want to do. RISK. I want to live with no inhibitions. I want to start doing the things I’ve let pile on my to-do lists.
I want to fill my year with art, music, food, travel, great conversation, great company, new relationships and new experiences! 
I’m 21 and I don’t want to let it pass without a bang!
I want to start talking more, make new friends, reading more and making more art, making things I haven’t gotten to make (rugs, silk screen, etc.), organize my life, start exercising, getting back to dancing, getting out of my head and being less self-conscious, eating more, travelling to places, being fearless and so much more.
I want to change. I want to change and pull through with it. 
I want 2013 to be different.

Labels: , ,

Sunday, December 30, 2012

If I were to comment on the size of the room

It would merit an equivocal answer.

'It is quite large' I might say.
'It is quite empty' I might say.

Though the latter seems more apt, the former prefers to stay an option. So it has come to this. The dilemma is a stubborn denial of the truth. But maybe a compromise of the two would be better?

'The room is large because it is empty'

I could say that.

I'm not sure if it is a compromise, but it sure is in one sentence. That's got to count for something right?

'The room is large because it is empty'

These past few months | weeks | days it has been more apparent that the people around me are growing up. Though I would have to say the term 'growing up' merits another equivocal adjective tied to its coat tails.

'Everyone is growing up' I might say.
'Everyone is growing apart' I might say.
'Everyone is growing weary' I might say.

A dilemma much more stubborn than the first. Equivocal it may be, but it nonetheless falls under the natural order of things. People grow up, people grow apart. Families grow up, families grow apart. A tree always did have branches that spread outward.

If I were to comment on the size of the room, I would rather not.
A denial of the truth I would so gladly keep.





Labels: , , , , ,