And once again the hole goes deeper...

It's never a cause for celebration when you're rendered or at least said to be a useless, heartless void. But if I AM a useless, heartless void it still hurts. A LOT.

My name is Anna Patricia Dizon Dela Rama. I am a Filipino and I am the daughter of my mother and father. My father is somewhat like the ghost of Christmas, he only comes when he has presents to give and money to burn only to mask the apparent poverty he is in now... and no, i don't mean the lack of financial security. My mother is my father and mother. A strange little mind twister it is, i know. My mother is the person i could actually say is my parental guidance. She provided me a life and all it's needs. The only thing she doesn't know is that i fear her the most.

My mother has a strong personality. So strong in fact she can break me like you can a toothpick. It's not a pretty sight. She doesn't know the fact that the only reason i cry is when i feel i have disappointed her... because my love was not enough... because I was not enough. It feels utterly degrading and excruciatingly painful to know that your own mother thinks you don't come up to par with the rest or the ideal. It hurts.

But enough about that. Let's talk about the root of the problem.

I.

Obviously, I am a strange person. If you could even call me such.

What follows are the things I want and the person i want to be one day:

1. outgoing

2. lot's of friends (artists)

3. I want to be a dancer

4. I want to be an actress

5. I want to be athletic

6. I want to give security to those i love

7. I want to be useful

8. I want to be responsible

9. I hope to love what i have become someday

10. And lastly, I hope she'll love what i have become... someday

And what follows next is reality:

1. I am not outgoing, I cannot express my feelings (something i have discovered to be a disability of mine)

2. I don't have a lot of friends due to the fact that i feel people hate me. Sad, i know.

3. I am a dancer... only in my mind (pelvic thrusts that don't go anywhere is hardly what i call dancing)

4. actress? obviously a joke.

5. I am the opposite of athleticism.

6. yeah. right.

7. I am USELESS.

8. I am responsible as much as i am an anti-crammer.

9. I have difficulty liking what i see in the mirror... and no, i'm not only talking about the physical.

10. And lastly, I HOPE she'll love what i have become... someday

As you can see, I AM A CONTRADICTION. As my heart soars in the sky, inflated by unlimited wants and dreams, my mind, the pinnacle of confusion, bursts my balloon wide open... I am my own downfall.

There are just days i think i have a great disability. Some good, some not so good.

For one thing i love being strange and different. I don't think I can ever truly describe to anyone what my mind conjures up each day. But if there's one disability that could be truly called as one It would have to be the 'you have no heart' disability (thanks for the title mom.) Obviously, i cannot crap my emotions out of my ass properly. I have come to fathom that it is a skill that people are born with. Obviously I'm not one of those people.

It's because of this disability i have become one of the unfavored ones.

And once again the hole in my heart goes down another six feet.