I wish

I wish I knew how to act around people.
I wish I was one of those charming, charismatic people that can keep relationships
and can get away with being such crap.
I wish I knew who I was and where I was standing.
I honestly don't understand what to do anymore.
I'm lost and I don't know how to ask for directions.
I feel like I'm pushing people away, and the thing is I don't really mean to.
I think I end up pushing them away because I'm not quite sure of what I think; being quite indecisive and all.
I'm too scared, too hesitant to do things at times. I hate it.
I'm such a coward. I cloud my actions with flowery arrangements and futile excuses.
Probably because I'm afraid to bear my soul, my true self.
Quite expected since I'm too afraid to look into my self, to look into my heart and into my soul.
I'm too afraid to accept, to realize.
I'm too afraid.

I think I need to be thrown in some environment that can push me to be tougher, stronger and braver yet also
vulnerable, open and emotional (not overtly, more of in touch). I need to find myself.

I want to learn. I want to be smarter. I want to be wiser. I want to be sure. I want to know.

I hate that idle feeling inside my head: that looming question on wether or not this is all i'll ever be.

Quite frankly, it sucks.

I wish I didn't care.

I wish I didn't care so much of what people thought of me. If that happened I would've done soo much more with my life! Heck I could've run a country by now! I wish I was generally content with myself. That I wasn't afraid of saying I actually look ok and that I have a talent I should be proud of.

I wish I can just change.
I wish I can just start.
I wish I wasn't so caught up in my own vanity and self-pity; quite pathetic, I know.
I wish I could believe that I was worth it, that I was good enough.

I wish I could just truly be a free-spirit.
But to be that I think I need time away from what I'm accustomed to; away from everything I know, from everything I'm used to.
I need a huge jump start. A boost.

I need to change.

I want to.